TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the city historically noted for historical society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the greatest. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully away from area. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Of course, positive, let's have One more position the place American Adult men can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations failed under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: offer everyone a suite about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide Trump Tower Damascus watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It is that he need to prevent employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the task, replied, "You are aware of, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Great tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping types a large Trump head obvious from Room, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after locating the making's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is really not merely unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors might contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are unsure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Technique: "When you Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "in which's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is currently attracting awareness from Worldwide investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll invest in a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level will even include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel where my PTSD can have convert-down service."


One more article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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